He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
