In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize