I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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