oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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