my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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