My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
