how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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