In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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