Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
