paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
