went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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