i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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