you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
