i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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