If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
