got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
