That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
