When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
