shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
