Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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