Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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