Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
