I love black thongs
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
