I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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