He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
