Kareoke will never be a sober sport
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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