the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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