It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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