Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize