wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
