i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
