Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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