You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
