I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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