i was born a porn star she said
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize