I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
