i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
