Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize