Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
