I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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