I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
