Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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