Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Can you bring me the toilet please
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
