threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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