So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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