We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
