My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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