I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
