I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize