I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
