The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
