I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
