You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
