When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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