I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
