I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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