Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize