I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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