I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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