Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
