I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I will pee on everything he values.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize