i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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