from now on my penis is your penis
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
