He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
