I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
