I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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