I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
