All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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